INFORMATION IS WEALTH
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts

Shoe Box


There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "My grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily." The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?" "Oh," she said, "That’s the money I made from selling the doilies."
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Relax !


Santa & Banta got tired using mobile cell phones. For a change, they decided to use pigeons to send sweet messages. And this hilarious scheme worked very fine.

One day Santa sends his pigeon.

Banta sees, the pigeon is without any message. He picks his mobile and asks Santa: The pigeon is without any sweet message.

Santa: Oye khotey, that was a missed call.

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Angry Boss: Have you ever seen an owl?

Employee: (looking down) No Sir...

Boss: Don't look down. Look at me.

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Boyfriend: Do you think my salary is sufficient for you?

Girlfriend: It is sufficient for me, but how will you survive?
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NO EXIT!


A man checked into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room.

Five minutes later he called the reception desk and said: "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"

The desk clerk said, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"

The man said, "Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."

School


It's an old joke, yet a useful illustration for various themes.

A mother repeatedly called upstairs for her son to get up, get dressed and get ready for school. It was a familiar routine, especially at exam time.

"I feel sick," said the voice from the bedroom.

"You are not sick. Get up and get ready," called the mother, walking up the stairs and hovering outside the bedroom door.

"I hate school and I'm not going," said the voice from the bedroom, "I'm always getting things wrong, making mistakes and getting told off. Nobody likes me, and I've got no friends. And we have too many tests and they are too confusing. It's all just pointless, and I'm not going to school ever again."

"I'm sorry, but you are going to school," said the mother through the door, continuing encouragingly, "Really, mistakes are how we learn and develop. And please try not to take criticism so personally. And I can't believe that nobody likes you - you have lots of friends at school. And yes, all those tests can be confusing, but we are all tested in many ways throughout our lives, so all of this experience at school is useful for life in general.

Besides, you have to go, you are the headteacher."

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Jokes.It's Time for Fun!

It was Ali Baba and the 40 thieves. How come there are only 30 now? “I had to
downsize,” Mr Baba told The Economic Times. “There’s a recession
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Two men visit an Egyptian museum and stare at a mummy.
“Look so many bandages, pukka accident case, I am sure,” says one of them.
“Look it says BC 1760,” says his friend.
“That’s the lorry’s number.”

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An executive visits his Chinese friend in hospital. “Chin yu yan, chin yu yan!” says the sick man who then dies. Later he’s in Shanghai on business and learns the meaning of chin yu yan: Get off my oxygen tube.
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He’d spent many years in meditation up in the Himalayas. He’d received many visitors from far and wide who had all made many offerings in cash and kind. Now the time had come. “I must give up all worldly affairs,” said the sage. “I wish to retire... and settle down in Las Vegas.”
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An Indian Army general was sent to Africa to work for UN forces. He loved to give long speeches to the men there, but a local major had to translate everything he said into Swahili. One harrowing day, after he found the men in the mess very exhausted, the general rattled off a long joke from his old days.

The African major promptly began his translation, but by the time he uttered three sentences, the entire audience burst out laughing. The general walked out, satisfied indeed. An Indian major, also there, was greatly impressed. “You translated it so quickly,” he told the African, “I’d like to learn Swahili.”

“No,” replied the African. “These guys would never have understood that Indian joke. Even I didn’t. So all I said was ‘He’s a three-star general. He just told a joke. All of you guys start laughing.’”

JOB Rejected? Then follow the steps

Did your job rejected?



Next time your application for a job is rejected...




Dear [Interviewer's Name]:




Thank you for your letter of [Date of Interview].




After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.




Despite [Firm's Name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.




Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.




Sincerely,
[Your Name]

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Management Quotes Contest

A magazine recently ran a “management quotes” contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life dysfunctional managers.

Here are the top ten finalists:

1. “As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.” (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA)

2. “What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.” (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. “E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.” (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. “This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.” (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. “Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.” (Plant manager, Delco Corporation)

6. “No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.” (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

7. Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.” (Shipping executive, FTD Florists) 9. “We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (Hallmark Cards executive)

Source:From Net


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Kind Lawyer

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding
in the back of his limousine when he saw two men
eating grass by the road side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!”
he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!"
the second man answered.” Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task,
even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem,
the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"

INVESTIGATION

A policeman was interrogating 3 SARDARS who were
training to become detectives. To test their skills
in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first SARDAR
a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.

'This is your suspect, how would you recognize
him?' The first SARDAR answers, 'That's easy, we'll
catch him fast because he only has one eye!'

The policeman says, 'Well...uh.. .that's because
the picture I showed is his side profile.'

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he
flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second
SARDAR and asks his, 'This is your suspect, how
would you recognize him?'

The second SARDAR smiles, flips his hair and says,
'Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only! has
one ear!' The policeman angrily
responds, 'What's the matter with you two??

Of course only one eye and one ear are showing
because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that
the best answer you can come up with?'

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the
picture to the third SARDAR and in a very testy
voice asks, 'This is your suspect, how would you
recognize him? He quickly adds, 'Think hard before
giving me a stupid answer.'

The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a
moment and says, 'The suspect wears contact lenses.'

The policeman is surprised and speechless because
he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears
contacts or not.

'Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for
a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get
back to you on that.' He leaves the room and goes to
his office, checks the suspect's file in his
computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on
his face.

'Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect!
does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How
were you able to make such an astute observation? '

'That's easy,' the SARDAR replied. 'He can't wear regular glasses
because he only has one eye and one ear'

Egg

A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"
The wife stared at him and asked, "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."

Funny

Once Santa & Banta were traveling along with their friends Monty & Jaggi. On a road surrounded by forests on both sides, their car was attacked by robbers. Santa & his friends were pulled out of the car. The robbers blasted the car and took Santa, Banta and their friends in the middle of the forest where their boss was residing.

Now, this boss was fond of jokes. So, he put the condition that whoever tells a joke that makes every single person laugh should be left unharmed and alive, but if one single person doesn't laugh then the joke-teller would be shot to death.


Banta started telling the funniest joke he had ever heard, "One day........." and when he was finished, everybody were falling with laughter except Santa. So according to the vow, the boss shot poor Banta.

Now, it was the turn of Monty. He also told the best joke he had ever heard. Again everybody laughed including the boss & his robbers, but still Santa was quite as a statue. So the boss shot him.


Then came Jaggi. As he opened his mouth to tell the joke, Santa suddenly burst into laughter. Everyone was puzzled. Santa was laughing madly.

The boss asked him, "Why the hell are you laughing without hearing the joke?"


Santa said laughing and giggling, "Oh! How funny Banta's joke was!"

Barber

There was a good old barber in Bangalore.
One day a florist goes to him for a haircut.
After the cut, he goes to pay the barber
and the barber replies:
I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you;
I am doing a Community Service.
Florist is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the Barber
goes to open his shop, there is a
"Thank You" Card and a dozen roses
waiting at his door.

A Confectioner goes for a haircut and
he also goes to pay the barber he again
refuses to take the money.

The Confectioner is happy and
leaves the shop.

The next morning when the Barber
goes to open his shop, there is another
"Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes
waiting at his door.

A Software Engineer goes for a haircut
and he also goes to pay the barber again
refuses the money saying that it was
a community service.

The next morning when the Barber goes to
open his shop, guess what he finds there......

Scroll down for answer... . . . . . . .. . . . ....
(Believe me it's worth it!!!!!!!!!!)
..
..
..
..
..
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..
A Dozen Software engineers
waiting for a free haircut...
with Printouts of forwarded mail
mentioning about free haircut.

Just for fun

A HUSBAND CAME HOME FROM CHURCH.
HE GREETED HIS WIFE AND LIFTED HER UP.
HE THEN CARRIED HER AROUND THE HOUSE.


THE WIFE WAS SO SURPRISED. SHE ASKED,
"DID THE BISHOP PREACH ABOUT BEING ROMANTIC ?"
THE HUSBAND REPLIED,
"NO, HE SAID WE MUST CARRY OUR BURDENS AND SORROWS !"

Happy weekend

Well, it finally happened.
I've sent so many e-mails that my cursor caught on FIRE!
Click HERE-----How do they do that

Doctor


A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'



A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'


A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'


A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, 'you guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the white house and now half the country is looking for work

Joke & Quotes

This is a very funny joke I received some time ago from a friend. I believe it’s worth sharing… hope it will make your weekend a much better one. Enjoy… make sure you read till the end.

One politician, one thief and an INTEL Manager died. They went straight to hell. Don’t ask me why hell, but not heaven.

The politician said “I miss my country. I want to call my country and see how everybody is doing there.” She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then she asked “Well, devil how much do I need to pay for the call?”.

The devil said “Five million dollars”.

The politician wrote him a check immediately and went to sit back on her chair.

The thief saw all these and was so jealous, he started screaming, “My turn! I want to call my group members, I want to see how everybody is doing there too!”

He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked “Well, devil, how much do I need to pay for the call? Make sure it’s cheap enough.”

The devil said “Ten million dollars”.

He smashed his forehead. But he still made a check and went to sit back on his chair.

The INTEL Manager was even more jealous and started screaming, “I want to call my office friends and managers too.”

He called other INTEL employees and he talked for twenty hours about cost cutting measures, stock gains, market segments, improvising, automation,… he talked and talked and talked. Finally, when he’s done he asked “Well, devil how much do I need to pay for the call?”

The devil answered “Twenty dollars”.

The INTEL Manager was stunned and asked for confirmation, “Twenty dollars? Only??”

Devil said…






Calling from Hell to INTEL is a local call!


"Ability may get you to top, but it takes character to keep you there!"

No one is born happy ..
But all of us are born with the ability to create happiness ..
So today, make others happy ..
Flash your sweetest Smile..

Love Predictions

Just type

LOVE Your name , Your partner's name

and send it to…











































































… Ur father's number. He'll tell you ur FUTURE!!!

GYM !

One guy - goes to a popular GYM in Bangalore sees an ad for
a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20
kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg.

They lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars
and ladders and tell him to wait a minute.
He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door
opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying If you catch me, I'm yours.

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts
picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the
ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as
he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door.

In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him.
Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.
He's back on the street and starts to think.
God, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more
time...So he races back to the gym and says, I want to lose 20
more. No problem, says the manager. Again he is led to the large gym.
This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign. If I catch you, you're mine.

The Best job------After appraisal

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Source:From Net

H o w t o C a t c h a L I O N

Newton 's Method:

Let, the lion catch you.
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Implies you caught lion.

Einstein Method:

Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.
Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon.
Now you can trap it easily.

Software Engineer Method:


Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion.
If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.

Indian Police Method:

Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion .

Rajnikanth Method :

Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime.
The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.


Manirathnam Method (director):

Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark
room with a single candle lighted.
Keep murmuring something in its ears.
The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

Karan Johar Method (director):

Send a lioness into the forest.
Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other.
Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion.
First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness.
But 2nd lioness loves both lions.
Now send another lioness (third) into the forest.
You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!

Yash Chopra method (director):

Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.

Govinda method:


Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.

Menaka Gandhi method:

Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.

George bush method:

Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!